Growing Up Trans in Small Town Montana
on May 25th, 2012 at 8:56 am
Guest writer Shay
One of the best parts about my job is hearing stories from LGBTQ and allied people who daily exhibit brilliance, humor, grace, and resiliency in our collective struggle to build safer and more welcoming schools, workplaces, and communities. Shay’s story is one of the most poignant I’ve come across in the past year and a half of working for Pride Foundation.
By Shay
Hello, my name is Shay. I am a 12-year-old transgender girl living in a small town in Western Montana. My journey began as a small child. I have always known I was different and felt I was living in the wrong body. In the first grade, I was taking karate classes and remember feeling awkward changing in the boys’ dressing room because I felt I didn’t belong in there. I remember also feeling awkward in the boys’ gymnastics class.
As early as I can remember I was drawn to girl things. I wanted to wear girl’s clothing starting in the 3rd grade. I had a pair of white capris that I wanted to wear all the time. In the 4th grade, I began to tell people that I wanted to live as a girl, and by 5th grade I was obsessed with shoes and Lady Gaga. My family saw Lady Gaga in concert in Las Vegas last year, and my parents let me wear feminine clothing and make-up. I wore a great pair of high heels that I spent all of my savings on!!
Growing up, there were problems within my family, mainly because my dad felt like I needed to be a boy. He blamed my mom, my grandma, my aunt, and my cousin for my gender differences. When I wanted to wear nail polish at 4 or 5 years old, my mom would always defend me when my dad got upset. I felt confused, angry, sad, and overwhelmed because I wasn’t able to be who I was without causing arguments and hard feelings in my family. My mom finally made an appointment with a family counselor in February 2011, and we have been going to counseling as a family ever since. The counselor told my parents that I am “gender non-conforming,” and that is the place we began working from.
Last year, when I was 11, the counselor suggested my family attend a conference in Seattle for families with transgender and gender non-conforming kids called Gender Odyssey. I attended several teen workshops with my mom. My dad went to mostly dads’ groups. That weekend I decided to transition and began living as a girl full time. My dad was transformed at Gender Odyssey by the information he learned and the other parents. He was so affected that now he is one of my greatest supporters. My mom, who has always supported me, had a more difficult time because we were so close. She had a more difficult time than my dad did grieving the loss of her son. My mom remains one of my best friends and greatest supporters.
When we returned home from the conference, we had a lot to do to organize my new life in terms of school, my acting class, and telling family, friends, and others about my decision to transition. We had a gathering at our house of family and friends to discuss my decision and ask them to call me by my new name and gender pronouns. My parents met with my school, and the staff was worried but supportive. The bullying I have experienced has been difficult, overwhelming, and hard. I try to focus on school work instead of what people are saying about me.
On the bright side, I have a wonderful group of friends who are very supportive and defend me. I have one friend who is bullied just as much as me, but for other differences like her weight. We try to be there for each other and it is nice to have a good friend in the same class.
I hope to continue blogging occasionally, so stay tuned to follow my journey.
A note from Caitlin: Shay came to our Zootown Soiree–the first Pride Foundation event new Executive Director Kris Hermanns attended in Montana–along with her father, sister, and grandmother. It was incredible to see three generations of family members supporting Shay through her transition and struggles with being bullied at school. I’m honored that Shay and her family decided to tell their story to a wider audience in hopes of inspiring more people to join Pride Foundation’s efforts to support leaders, organizations and students who are building the Northwest’s equality movement. Thank you, Shay.
If you would like to write a guest blog for Pride Foundation, please contact Montana Regional Development Organizer Caitlin Copple at caitlin@pridefoundation.org.
i go to school with shay and i see that people judge her all the time and i am soo happy that she can stand so strong even if she may be different she is an amazing person and once you get to know her you can realize that she is just like everyone else!!!
Shay is my niece and I am so proud of how she defends who she is and gives support to others she knows needs it. She is a giving and special human being that will make a huge difference in this world. Her life is already inspiring others to live the way he/she is happiest. She truly knows what and who to cherish; she knows life is about who we are on the inside nt what we look like on the outside. She also knows that our actions and words are what defines us as humans. Shay is fantastic!
Wow – brought tears to my eyes. What a brave girl & wonderful family. I am rather wistfully jealous. I love them and we have never met – perhaps I will have the chance sometime.
Hugs, Bobbie
Dear Shay, You are truly a very brave young lady and an inspiration to all young transgenders all over the world. I really and truly want to invite you…with your parents permission and acompnyment..on to my show. It is an internet show called “The Jackie Oooo Show”, and it is on EVERY Sunday at 3pm (CST), 1pm (PST) on the website: FenMark.net…..all my shows are also saved into “archives on the same website. One of the best shows to listen to, with your parents, is my show with Dr. Deb Wilke, PHD on November 27th, 2011..(there is no video for that show because we didn’t have video at that time). I invite you to watch my shows and any comments you may have you can email or text to me during the show. I do hope you will watch and give us some input. Keep your chin up, keep fighting the good fight, but do take care. It is the younger transgenders that can change some of the injustice, disrespect, misunderstandings and hatred for our community. If there is ever anything I can do to help, my email is mckethinc@aol.com.
I am married to a beautiful trans woman. She is a wonderful spouse and we are still happy after being together for 17.5 years. I want to applaud Shay for her courage to be who she knows she is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a person being trans and, one day, with people such as Shay leading the way, the world will accept transgendered people. I also think the people who made comments on this site – Shay’s school friend and her Aunt –
need to be recognized for their support of Shay. Sadly, so many trans people are rejected not only by peer groups but by family members. The person inside has not changed so to reject them is craziness. To support them is loving and supportive. So a big “thank you” to the two of you.
Shay, you are wise beyond your years. You are strong, smart, insightful, compassionate, determined, and you are definitely going to make a difference in the world. You already are! Stay strong and stay focused on what you want out of life, and no doubt you will achieve it.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words and support. Shay’s father, Jim, and I have always said she was brave, even before she decided to transition. It has been an overwhelming time for not only Shay but our whole family. It is not an easy road but rather one filled with many challenges and even more emotions. It truly does involve the whole family and community as well. As a family we have been attending support groups and reaching out as much as possible. We love our daughter more than can be described and have “adopted” other transgender folks at our support group. Some of their stories are heartbreaking and as parents we couldn’t imagine turning our back on Shay and hope that through our love for her we can support others that come into our life. Thanks again to all the fabulous people out there who embrace differences and accept everyone for who they are.
Im proud Your Family supports you .I had the support of my family when I transtion back in Jan 2009 its not a easy thing to go through . Shay stand strong you have people who care and support you im one of them take care Jennifer Moser
Your courage and authenticity are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. And know that you have support out here who are cheering you on and can’t wait to share in your future successes.