Coming Out After 30
on February 4th, 2013 at 6:51 pmComing out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer (LGBTQ) is a deeply personal process that varies for each individual, and there is no “right or wrong way” to do so. No matter your age or life path, each individual gets to determine when the time is right to publicly share her/his/hir identity. The great news is that more and more people are feeling more supported and safer than ever before. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) surveyed Americans in 2006 and found that 83% of adults who self-identify as LGBTQ consider themselves to be out.
Many of us also know that as support and safety increase, the age at which people self-identify their sexual orientation is decreasing, and young people are coming out at younger than ever before. In 2012, HRC surveyed over 10,000 LGBTQ-identified youth and found that 91% of the youth (ages 13-17) are out to their close friends, 64% are out to their classmates, and just over half are out to their families. This report also outlines the challenges that face young people and also marks the incredible progress we’ve made over the years!
However, many of us know that coming out, particularly later in life remains challenging and can be further complicated by a lack of community support, ignorance, or geographic isolation. For example, what if you are over 30 years old and married? Carren Strock, author of “Married Women Who Love Women,” writes in her book that 59 of 100 women polled who came out later in life admitted that at the time of their marriage, they did not know that they were gay. She also quotes licensed social worker and lesbian relationship coach Barb Elgin, who explains “When you’ve built a whole life in the straight world and then dismantle or implode it, there can be many victims…Sadly, until folks are educated, many [lesbians’ loved ones] believe they would rather not know or pretend it isn’t happening.”
Holly Teige, co-founder of the Sky Valley GLBTQ Alliance and founder of Western Washington’s Out After 30 Meet-up says, “Everyone has a story and everyone’s story is different. When I came out at 30 years old and sought out resources, I found that most were for youth or men. There was very little for those coming out in adulthood. I wanted to find guidance, and in the absence of it, I decided to establish a support network to at least connect myself with others in my situation, men and women.”
Holly says that in the 18 months since the group began, the membership has grown to 150+ members. She quotes member “K” who says, “I saw the name of this group, and thought ‘Thank God! I’m not the only one!’ Pretty much all the resources currently out there are geared towards teens, and even though we hear about people who wake up to their true sexualities much later, I was feeling kind of dumb for not accepting myself before now.”
Beginning April of this year, there will be monthly social activities in addition to a regular monthly chat group held on the last Saturday of every month in downtown Seattle at the DeLuxe Bar and Grill. In addition to the in-person meet-ups, Holly plans to expand the website to include a bulletin board and counseling support from volunteer therapists as well as resource referrals for those in this position.
She says, “As a primarily online resource this small organization is uniquely positioned to bring together people from all geographic areas, especially those of us who are in rural areas, with less access to a more visible LGBTQ community.”
Coming out at any age can be both a struggle and a joy, but most of all it can reduce isolation. As an organization working in the West, covering vast geography and thousands of small towns, Pride Foundation understands the unique challenges that individuals coming out later in life face. If you are over 30 when you decide to do this, consider joining the Out After 30 Meet-Up to connect with others who are going through or have gone through a similar process. You never know who you will meet!
Uma is Pride Foundation’s Regional Development Organizer in Western Washington. Email Uma.
I came out at age 50 (7 months ago) and would love more information on the Out After30 Meet-Up. I am in Montana and would like to find out if there is a group in this area.
Hi Jim! This is Caitlin, the Montana organizer. In Missoula, there is a group called Gay Men Together (www.gaymontana.org) that meets at the Western Montana Community Center. It’s not specific to people over 30, but I know several men in your age range who attend. If you are not in western Montana, email me and I can connect you with some individuals who may be helpful to you. Thanks for reading our blog!
I’m 46 years old and have been out for about two years. I’ve been fortunate not to have one person, family, friend who ceased to stop loving me since I’ve came out. It would be nice to be able to support people who have similar backgrounds. I live in Anchorage Alaska and would love to be part of a supportive group here.
Thank you for writing the blog!
Susan, do you have any experience with Meetup groups? It’s quite easy to start one and I’d be happy to send along topic ideas/conversation starters. The group in Seattle has been fairly fluid with lots of newcomers and return folks every month. It’s called “Nibbles, Intros, and Convos” and just gives people a space to come and be together in community and ask the questions that we all have on our minds in a supportive environment.
Anyway, feel free to contact me if you’re interested in setting up a group in your area. I’m from Anchorage and although I live in Seattle now, I completely agree that Anchorage would benefit from having an Out After 30 group!
If you are looking for resources for yourselves or others you can also check out the Out After 30 website which has a variety of helpful links. It’s at http://www.outafter30.com.
Thanks!
Holly
I think that this is amazing. I wish y’all had one in Texas. I’m going to do some research, maybe I can find something similar to this in the DFW area. Outside of Oak Lawn and certain parts of Dallas it is really difficult to find support, maybe I am just not looking for the right things.